Sunday, 8 November 2015

In English only ... perhaps forever

I started this topic thinking how do I care so much about what other people think about me. Why is this always my first thought about everything and anything "Have you shared this with them? What did they say? Do they hate me?". I hate myself for asking these same questions to myself. I've found recently I have medium OCD and mild depression. If for one hand I feel like I've been answered my fears and what I was always afraid of. In the other hand I keep thinking it's all in my head and if it's in my head I can keep it out. I've been behaving like a child. A complete child. Worrying about useless things, like what other people think. Instead I can't even concentrate on the smallest things. Like arriving home and having someone there for me. Not being alone. Having a family that thinks about me and cares for me. Having people to talk to you. Little things that don't mean anything to me on a daily basis and yet when I sit down and think about it, I'm actually very lucky for having the life I have. I'm childish, I'm spoiled, I'm selfish, I'm little as a person, I'm ignorant. This is what I think about myself and it's what I hate the most. I need to stop looking at myself and myself only. I can't believe I make a big deal out of everything when there are a lot worse in the world with more important concerns than just what other people might think of them. I need to grow up. I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm stuck in my 18. Will I ever learn? At the moment I don't know. I really want to know. I really want to become more mature and indifferent. Anyway rant of the day. As for the title I believe I will keep it in English from now on. I just find it more difficult nowadays to reveal my feelings properly in Portuguese. English sounds ok to me. I'm sorry if I'm being inconsiderate towards you, I hope you can understand my decision. With love.

2 comments:

  1. força para o que estás a passar, beijinho, somos nós que temos o maior poder sobre o que nos acontece! :)

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    Replies
    1. Obrigada pela forca princezinha <3 e tens toda a razao, gostaria de ter isso na minha cabeca mais vezes!! Beijinho <3 xx

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